


The Coulson Incident

by impulserun



Series: we'll be fine [9]
Category: Avengers Academy (Video Game)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-17 14:03:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8146819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impulserun/pseuds/impulserun
Summary: 1.	Flirt with Steve.2.	Make Bucky jealous3.	????4.	ProfitIn which Phil has a plan, Steve is oblivious, and Bucky stews in his jealousy.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [寇森意外事件](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8236499) by [hamLock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamLock/pseuds/hamLock)



> The bulk of this was written during the AIM event! I am a broke F2P player, so I don't actually have Coulson on my academy. 
> 
> I'm also super behind on storyline missions b/c I don't have enough credits to unlock Falcon rank 4, so.

Phil’s arrival at the Academy could have gone better, but he’s willing to forgive MODOK for suspending him frozen in the air for a week. After all, it does get him a rescue by the Black Widow – _aaaaaaaaa_ – and a warm welcome by none other than _Steve Rogers himself_ – _aaaaaaAAAAAAA_ – so really. He’s not complaining.  

“I love you,” he blurts out, and instantly finds himself wishing for death’s sweet embrace.

The rest of that conversation is horrendously awkward, but it means that he’s made privy to Steve Rogers’ charming smiles and warm laughter and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Phil floats through the rest of the afternoon on his memory of Steve’s smile alone. It’s ridiculously middle school of him, but he can’t bring himself to care.

Until he walks right smack into the Winter Soldier outside the Archives, because he wasn’t watching where he was walking. Then he _does_ care.

“Natasha,” says Phil, when he has escaped from the Soldier’s intense stare and scary eye make-up, “why does the Winter Soldier look like he wants to eat me?”

“Because the Winter Soldier is Bucky Barnes, and he’s only just rediscovering his protective instincts,” Natasha answers, amused. “And you’re obviously an easier target than Tigra is.”

“The Winter Soldier is _who_?”

*

In the light of this new information, Phil Coulson’s heart sings.

You see, Phil knows – objectively – that Captain America is out of his league. Like, way out of his league. So far out of his league that Steve is the sun and Phil isn’t even part of the Milky Way. Objectively, Phil doesn’t know if he has it in him to move past the hero worship stage of the relationship. He’s _Captain America_. Objectively, Phil would make a _terrible_ boyfriend for Steve.

But Bucky Barnes, on the other hand.

So begins Phil Coulson’s quest to make Bucky Barnes jealous.

“I thought it was _Steve_ you had a crush on,” Natasha remarks, amused.

“Natasha,” he says, and thrills quietly when she doesn’t move to correct him, “ _Natasha_ , there are things that cannot be. But _this_? This is a thing that _can_.”

*

Elsewhere, at a tiny, out-of-the-way bar in the vicinity of the Academy –

“Sharon, why is my life like this. Just Clint was already bad enough. I didn’t defect to America to babysit these _idiots_.”

Sharon pats her on the back and orders another drink. “There, there.”

*

Phil’s next run-in with the Captain is at the Blasting Range, where he’s trying out the bazooka he scavenged from the Chitauri wrecks.

Suffice to say, it does not go well.

“Phil!” Steve yelps, hurrying over to help him to his feet.

“Hi, Cap,” he replies weakly, giving him a tiny wave. “The recoil on this thing, huh?”

Steve shakes his head, looking both exasperated and somewhat fond.

“You’re not planting your feet properly,” he says. “Here, I’ll show you.”

This is how Phil Coulson comes to have Steve Rogers’ muscly chest pressed to his back while he corrects his posture and grip. It feels like something out of a fanfic on freakingawesome.com. Or a romcom movie. Or – he’s loathe to admit – one of his hormone-laden puberty dreams. Phil Coulson is a terrible, terrible man.

(On the other side of the range, Bucky Barnes unloads another clip of bullets into his target. He aims for the groin. He does not miss.)

*

All things considered, Phil has to say that his matchmaking plan is fool-proof. It works in all the movies and comics – Bucky will be making his anguished declaration of love any day now.

But then _Tigra_ enters the picture. Tigra, with her stupid legs that go on forever and her flirty smiles and her stupid modelling career. Tigra, who will not. Stop flirting. With _Steve_.

Phil barely manages to contain his strangled scream of rage.

He doesn’t mean to stalk them or anything, but he keeps chancing upon them at different parts of the campus and – _uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh_.

“I’ve _been_ ready, Steve,” Tigra purrs; Steve gulps and backs away slightly. “How about you?”  

Phil makes an abortive grab for his bazooka, which only fails because Kamala stops him. From behind a tree, from at least two metres away.

There are worse things than studying at a school for superheroes.

“Phil,” she hisses, “ _no_. We _don’t shoot our teammates_!”

“ _SHE’S RUINING ALL MY PLANS_.”

*

“So if I fantasise about killing people – like, two of them in particular – but I don’t actually do anything about it, that’s okay, right?”

“We’ll… mark that down as an improvement for now, but seriously, Barnes. Hobbies.”

*

“ _Seriously_?” Phil complains. “Can’t she see that Bucky has feelings for him?”

“Hello, pot,” Kamala mutters into her tea, “have you met kettle?”

“I’m flirting for _the greater good_ , Kamala!” he huffs, and then his entire matchmaking plan spills out mid-rant about stupidly attractive supermodel-schoolmates _who won’t leave Steve Rogers alone_.

Kamala says nothing, but raises her eyebrows as she sips at her tea.

“It doesn’t look that way from where I’m standing,” she says at last. “Besides, I think we should probably let Cap sort out his own affairs.”

“You’re only saying that because you still secretly hope Captain Danvers is going to transfer here,” Phil grumbles, viciously attacking a slice of pie. “At least Stucky has some basis in reality.”

To absolutely no one’s surprise, they get thrown out of the café.

*

“Rogers does boxing in his spare time. I hear it can be therapeutic. You could look into that.”

“You mean I can look _at_ that.”

“… _Barnes_.”

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I’m working on my songwriting and stuff. And Steve’s actually a better artist than he is a boxer, so.”

*

It all comes to a head one fine day in the middle of the campus quad. Steve has a group of non-powered students (and Kamala, because Kamala is sort of like his teaching assistant now, which meant that they had to exchange apologies for their little altercation under the watchful eye of Captain Rogers himself, which left Phil feeling a little worse than shit, because Steve has the ‘I’m not mad, just disappointed’ face down to perfection and _oh, look, I’m rambling again_ – ) gathered for a quick self-defence refresher.

Tigra is lounging on a nearby bench, ~~ogling~~ watching him. Phil briefly contemplates challenging her to a sparring match before dropping the idea. Cat scratches _hurt_.

“When you’re in battle,” he says, “there’ll be times when you’ll find yourself disarmed.”

Right on cue, Sam swoops down in his own Captain America regalia to swipe the shield off Steve’s back, whooping loudly as he does so.

“Hopefully you’ll put up a bit more of a fight than I did, but yes,” he deadpans. “Exactly like that.”

Somebody giggles. (Was it him? Phil hopes it wasn’t him – )

“So today we’ll be looking at hand-to-hand – Buck?”

The class turns as one to see Bucky – the Winter Soldier? – storming towards them, a deep scowl etched on his face. There’s dark make-up smudged around his eyes again – Phil wonders if he just got out of band practice.

“Buck?” Steve wavers, “Bucky, it’s 2016 –”

“I know what year it is, Rogers,” Bucky snarls. He twists his fists into the fabric of Steve’s shirt and pulls him in for a kiss.

In the middle of the quad.

In front of all their schoolmates.

Phil squees. Internally. Because – oh my god, this is _happening_.

Steve chases after Bucky’s lips when the latter tries to pull back. Eventually they break apart, Steve grinning dopily, and Phil could be struck by lightning right now and he’d die content, he thinks.

“You,” Bucky growls, jabbing viciously in Phil’s direction. “And _you_ ,” he adds, turning to glare at Tigra. “Back off. This is my Steve. Find your own.”

“Not a problem,” says Phil, grinning so widely his cheeks are starting to ache. “Really. Not a problem at all.”

Tigra looks disappointed. “The hot ones are always taken.”

“Fucking Christ, Steve,” says Bucky, shaking his head as he tugs Steve down the path to their dorm. “I know we thought it was a good idea, but _Christ_. No more secret relationships. It’s bad for my blood pressure.”

“Secret _what_?”

*

[Uploaded to Tumblr: Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers, crowded into one booth at Club A. Bucky has an arm – the metal one – slung possessively over Steve’s shoulders – an impressive feat, all things considered – and is glaring straight into the camera; Steve is blushing and staring fixedly at his drink.]

**prettytony:**

 

> WHO HERE KNEW THAT CAPTAIN SPANGLY-BUTT AND THE PUNK ROCK SOLDIER ARE DATING
> 
> SPOILER ALERT
> 
> IT WASN’T ME

#WHY WOULDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS???? #ET TU????? #YOU COME INTO MY HOUSE??? #ON THE DAY OF MY DAUGHTER’S WEDDING????

 **70** notes

 **yourworstnightmare** replied: literally everyone with eyes

 **capnfalcon** replied: tony they sleep together they literally pushed their single beds together so they can cuddle at night cmon man

 **hawkguy** replied: why even be surprised ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Author's Note:**

> Credit to [vee](http://archiveofourown.org/users/iamslytherlocked/pseuds/iamslytherlocked) for Bucky's half of his conversation with his therapist about hobbies. 
> 
> Coulson's reactions to being around famous people is mostly based on me. I embarrassed myself so badly at stage doors, you have no idea. 
> 
> The only thing I have against Tigra is how badly I cringed at Steve's reactions to her flirting. STEVE PLS. STEVE NO. _STEVE_.


End file.
